dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
