So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
