Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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