I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
