Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
