i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
