FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Dignity is for republicans.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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