Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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