People in love make me want to vomit
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
