In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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