I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
