He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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