2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
