I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dick very happy bro
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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