mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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