who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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