i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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