wrigley field is MILF paradise
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
