mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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