Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
