is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
