You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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