im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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