Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
