The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
