O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
