just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
