dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
