He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
