Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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