i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
