I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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