I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
