Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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