I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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