I'm jealous of your bromance
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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