So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
