Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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