I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
