i think i have herpe
just one?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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