i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
