I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
