I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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