my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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