also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
