Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
