i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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