If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
