Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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