happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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