I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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