remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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