you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
