my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
