a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
North Korea, Best Korea!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
