and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
they're like a gay fantastic four
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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