An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
