At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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