The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
