he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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