Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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