I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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